Itā€™s too soon to wipe that painting out!

Weā€™re our own worst critics. A little time and you might realize that painting has flashes of brilliance.

Adirondack Spring, 11×14 in a cherry frame, will be available through a fundraiser for the Gerhardt Neighborhood Outreach Center on October 17. This is a mission that provides medical care, job training, after school care and more to the residents of North Rochester, and one I’m delighted to support. If you’re interested in my work and in supporting a great city mission, contact Annie Canon.
As I set down my brush after a long painting session, I have one of two reactions. Itā€™s either, ā€œmeh,ā€ or ā€œthatā€™s pretty bad.ā€ All I can see at that moment are the ways in which the painting has fallen short of my inner vision. I donā€™t see the things that are going right, like audacious composition, new ideas, or bravura brushwork.
Iā€™ve been at this long enough to ignore that reaction. I no longer question whether the work is good or bad. I just ask myself if itā€™s finished.
Yesterday, Ken DeWaardspoke to the Knox County Art Society (KCAS). He said that he takes plein airwork back to his studio and leans it face-in against the wall for a few days. Only after the struggle has faded from memory does he turn it back around. Then he can dispassionately analyze what it needs.
Fog Bank, by Carol L. Douglas.
The worst self-doubt happens when youā€™re in a plein airevent and your work is overlooked by buyers and judges. Itā€™s very easy to think youā€™re painting terribly. This happened to me this year with Fog Bank. I was unimpressed with it, since itā€™s largely atmosphere and no composition. Three months later, I like the painting more than anything else I did at that event. My goal was to show the movement of a North Atlantic fog, and I think it worked. That nobody else was thrilled by it is immaterial.
I had a similar reaction to another painting in 2017, They wrest their living from the sea. At the time, I thought the whole thing was too fussy and overworked. But set against my intention, the painting is a success. I wanted to contrast the tiny houses of Advocate Harbour with the vast landscape in which its people fish and farm. There are times when skies arefussy and detailed. Sometimes we have to square up to that and paint them realistically, instead of stylizing.
They wrest their living from the sea, by Carol L. Douglas
My old friend Marilyn often wiped out paintings she didnā€™t like. ā€œAnother board saved!ā€ she would say. I donā€™t do that. Even failed paintings tell me something about my process.
Sometimes a painting is uncomfortable to look at because itā€™s pointing the way forward. It can seem like an awkward outlier when you do it. Five years later, you realize it was a bellwether and the best thing you painted that year. Youā€™ll blunt your development if you wipe out everything that makes you uncomfortable.
In students, this discomfort with change can result in paralysis. They fuss and get nothing done in class. If that’s you, try falling back on strict exercises that force you to stop thinking in terms of results and start thinking in terms of process. (I’ll get into these on Friday.)
Grand Bahama Palms, by Carol L. Douglas
The last painting in this post is one I did on Grand Bahama in 2017. There is never any guarantee that a moment of beauty will be there when you return. This young palm is in one of the hardest-hit parts of the island, and I imagine it was drowned and broken. If the painting survived, I hope it reminds the owners of the former glory of their patch of land, and is a promise that beauty will return soon.

A sane estimate of my capabilities

"The Creation of Adam," c. 1508-1512, Michelangelo

ā€œThe Creation of Adam,ā€ c. 1508-1512, Michelangelo
The other day I read a translation of Romans 12:3 that cracked me up: ā€œDonā€™t cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance, but try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities by the light of the faith that God has given to you all.ā€
I think of myself as a person who can do anything, and I pretty much have done. However, a ā€˜sane estimateā€™ of my capabilities probably ought not continue to include stripping wallpaper. My back is in open rebellion this morning.
My self-worth doesnā€™t lie in the things I make with my hands, but my work is how I spend my days. Would I continue to paint if I were confined to a wheelchair and could no longer scramble around rocks while doing so? I donā€™t know. Would I continue to create if I were blind? I donā€™t know.

"The Ancient of Days in Europe a Prophecy," copy D, 1794, William Blake

ā€œThe Ancient of Days in Europe a Prophecy,ā€ copy D, 1794, William Blake
Would I be less valuable without a strong back or good eyes? No. Would I be happy? Since Iā€™m thrown if the toothpaste is in the wrong drawer, the answer is a decided no.
When I was 40 years old, I ran. I was fit enough to still wear a two-piece bathing suit. That year I had cancer that resulted in a colostomy. Not only was my appliance ugly, uncomfortable and expensive to maintain, but it leaked. Thereā€™s nothing like bowel spillage down your shirt to undermine any sense that youā€™re beautiful or desirable.
Eventually, they were able to reverse my ostomy, but in the time I had it, it changed something in my self-concept. I was no longer powerful and sexy; I was a cancer survivor. Iā€™ve written about shedding that latter self-identity, but Iā€™m afraid these self-images might be like the layers of an onion.
Detail from "The Creation of Adam"

Detail from ā€œThe Creation of Adamā€
I was at a class this week where groups were asked to make posters. I flipped open my phone to Blakeā€™s The Ancient of Days, which, I thought, made the visual point better than anything I might draw. Another person grabbed a marker and translated Blakeā€™s idea to poster form. A third translated it to words. Even though I wasnā€™t drawing, I was still operating within ā€˜a sane estimateā€™ of my abilities.
The Ancient of Days was not intended by Blake to be a portrait of God. He is Urizen, a demiurge. That, in gnostic systems, is an artisan who makes and maintains our physical universe. In our popular imagination, Urizen has come to represent the creative face of God. (Blake was a true seer, subject to visions from the age of four, but he was also a Christian.)
Note the hand holding the compass in The Ancient of Days. It is taut, energetic, and in absolute control.
Detail from "The Creation of Adam"

Detail from ā€œThe Creation of Adamā€
Compare that hand to the hand of God in Michelangeloā€™s The Creation of Adam in the Sistine Chapel. Again, Godā€™s hand is taut and active. Adamā€™s is limp. God is surrounded by the unborn, in a great carapace that resembles a human uterus. Chief among these is Eve. Still in the womb, wrapped in Godā€™s embrace, she looks more lifelike than her future mate. Michelangelo is making a point here: our life force comes from God.
Like life itself, the gifts we have are transitory. Once given, they can be lost again in an instant. They donā€™t totally define us, but they are a part of who we are.